how to be cared for (and care for someone else)

photo credits: segarphotography

I'm learning how to say, I need help. 

During the first couple months of our marriage, I ran into overwhelming health issues. We spent hours in hospitals, emergency rooms, and private clinics. I'd wake up exhausted from a difficult night fighting pain and fear, and feel completely alone, something which was my own fault.

I've always moved at a fast clip. I need to be doing something, achieving goals, otherwise I feel restless. So, on my bad days, instead of taking time to rest, I'd do things like clean the house, sort out our closet, scrub the bathroom, finish a freelance project, do all the laundry, and plan out the next six years of my life. Gio would come home from work to find a shell, but hey... at least I could report that I'd done something, right?

Yet my inability to ask for help wasn't the only problem. I also didn't know how because I knew that if I pushed myself hard enough, I could do it. That's the thing. Just like you, I'm strong. I know how to knuckle down and get things done. I pride myself on taking care of myself and my allotted tasks, but as my health got worse, I'd start falling behind. I couldn't keep going and I knew it. Worst of all, I resented the fact that no one stepped in and "forced" me to slow down, but in truth, nothing anyone did or said was able to stop me. It all seems laughable, but I was stuck in this cycle.

Meanwhile, my husband felt powerless. Instead of being able to help me, I pushed him aside with I can do it, and I need to be strong, but the whole time wishing someone would relieve me of this burden I'd placed on myself. I wasn't allowing myself to appear weak. He would ask me all the time how he could help, what he could do to make my day better, but I would always answer with, I don't know. It broke his heart having to watch me suffer alone.

I was rushing around so much that I couldn't get my thoughts to clear. I would break down crying because I couldn't get a moment of silence in my head. Even the smallest things began to overwhelm me. It wasn't until I was forced to look at myself as a human with limits and breaking points and scars (a beautiful mosaic) that I could begin to look outward and see how much I needed to let Gio (and others) help me.

While this may not be everyone's story, I've been picking up bits and pieces that have become extremely important to not only our marriage, but also other relationships as well. It's tough not knowing how to care for someone who's struggling or hurting, and yes, people differ in the ways they need/want to be loved, but here are some things that Gio and I have discovered about ourselves.

1. Love languages are important. This may seem simplistic, but we found out really early on that we had different ways of expressing love and if we didn't talk about it, they had the potential to cause tension. All it took, was saying, "this is what makes me feel loved when I'm sad.". Be practical and make lists if you need to! People can't read your mind and you can't expect them to love you well if you never tell them. Here's a tip: most people love the way they want to be loved, so pay attention!

2. Breaking down in front of someone is a sacred experience. Yet that takes feeling safe, knowing you won't be judged for your "weakness", and not having any immediate expectations placed on you. Cultivate that space for others, but also practice being vulnerable with your own story. Saying "I need help", "would you pray for me?", requires a leap of faith for most of us, but it sets us free. Nobody's life is perfect and chances are that we're all harboring some difficulty we've found ourselves in, but if no one's honest, we all feel isolated.

3. Why is it so hard to accept help? Are you trying to prove something (even if just to yourself)? Is it that you feel like people expect you to be strong? Why? Ask the questions, dig deep. Life comes in seasons and sometimes there are seasons to hustle and dream big and conquer, but what are your priorities in the long run? It's good to be aware of the hidden things that can cause us to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, they aren't even related to our to-do lists, but rest in a deeper struggle. Here's a tip: don't overthink. I know that seems to go against everything I just said, but while it's good to know what's going on inside our heads and to be aware of sin/scars/healing, but it's easy to get lost in that space. So, take a look and remember that sometimes you have to do things even when your feelings don't coincide (and often, in a safe space your feelings begin to align and saying, "could you do the dishes tonight? I'm not doing so well" becomes a little easier).

4. Start small. When you're already feeling bogged down by everything you've got to get done, sometimes it can seem like the last straw to think about how to fix things, but here are some practical starting points: check in with the person and be available, but also be respectful of space and need for alone time. If you're looking for ways to start caring for yourself, here's a question: what makes you feel rested? If you have to look into the past to know, that's okay. Is it running? Hiking? Down time with nothing on your agenda? Reading? Exploring? Whatever it is, carve time into your schedule to do it, even if it's just fifteen minutes (this also means figuring out where you spend the most time, so being mindful of your daily schedule is important, otherwise it's easy to think that there isn't any time). I think what I'm trying to say, is that this is an invitation to find the part of you that's been pushed aside for so long; rediscover the childish adventurer, feverish gamer, and hopeful creative you once were and who you still are. That dance floor is still awaiting your presence and those dreams are here for the taking.

5. A few words can go a long way. Little things like, "I'm here for you", "I believe in you", "can I pray for you?", "I support you", but also, "thank you", "I appreciate you", and "I see you and all you do for me."

6. Let go and believe the best. This means no longer expecting perfection, but accepting situations/people/seasons, as they are. Let the little things like, "are you wearing your coat, honey?" reveal to you a love that's been there the whole time. We're all trying, we're all doing our best, and sometimes we just have to accept the love that's given to us even if it isn't how we love, or how we feel loved. Also, take a break from worrying about how other people see you (this points back to the fact that we're all trying to do this thing the best way we know how, but there's bumps in it for all of us).

Hey friend, take a breath. It's okay to be in this season and to not know why you're in it, but you're going to need people to let the light in and they'll need you. We've got to be able to say, 

I need help.